Warning, this is a rant, profanity ahead. Sensitive readers, please enjoy some unicorns and rainbows.

“Bought a receiver online? Fuck you, pay me.
Oh, you can’t watch the channels you ordered? Fuck you, pay me.
No high def service huh? Fuck you, pay me.”

I don’t know how rackets like the one DirecTV has established come into existence but I have a small clue. I don’t know how they stay in business but it probably has something to do with offering current customers $100 to pimp the service to their friends.

This is what happened in my case. When I moved, I had a choice between DirecTV and Comcast. Everybody around me couldn’t shut up about DirecTV and also, could I please use their account number when I signed up? Ha.

The decision maker for me was the local sports package. I signed up for DTV and that package to watch baseball games from Baltimore (How bout dem O’s hon?).

Baseball games? All blacked out. Nice. I called to turn that service off and went on about my business. Fast forward a month or so. I want my HP monitor to get TV and it only has an HDMI in. No problem, most cable boxes come with HDMI out right? Ha ha, not DirecTVs!

The only DTV boxes that have an HDMI out are their High Definition boxes. Oh I know, I’ll just run to Worst Buy (I should by the Worst Buy partnership) and buy an HD box. Thanks Worst Buy! Get home, start setting it up, DirecTV tells me, they own this box, I just paid worst buy a couple hundred buck to lease it. (Refer to video)

Oh but don’t think you can just use the box with Standard Def service. No ma’am, you’ll need to pay to get HD access for that box to work. (Refer to video)

Well shit. May as well get HD TV right? We’re in the high def age and all.

FFWD a week. DirecTV guys come out and realize due to the fucked up way some person from DTV initially installed the satellite my entire building shares, I can’t get HD channels. NICE. But wait, I still have to have HD service for this bloody box to work when all I want is the HDMI out. (Refer to video)

I decide I’m over it. I call DirecTV customer service and say I don’t want their service anymore. No problem ma’am, that’ll be $400 in early termination fees. (Refer to video)

I email their CEO and others. Turns out DirecTV is wise to the ways of the EECB and will just drop you to their “customer advocate group” (1-866-785-5537) who parrot the same BS regular customer service does. On the plus side, they were able to work some magic to make me not pay for HD service I’m not getting while still allowing my HD box to work. (Fuck you, but only pay me a little less)

Fine. I’m not paying $400 in ETFs (yet) so I give up.

I decide I want to get an DirecTivo to tinker with that DTV does NOT own. I buy one on Craigslist. I call to activate it. Sorry ma’am, the access cards are tied to each unit and customer and we can’t reassign them. Let me transfer you to our access card department where you can purchase another access card for $20. (Refer to video)

Is it any wonder DirecTV is the subject of a class action suit in California?

Final words, reader. If you are trying to find TV service, steer clear of DirecTV. If you must have satellite, go with Dish. If you don’t need satellite, go with one of the myriad other TV providers. If you absolutely have to go with DirecTV, may your personal deity have mercy on your soul.

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