Given the recent spotlight put on web based “incentive” programs, I thought I’d share what I heard from Pizza Hut when I asked about this very topic back in September.

On September 19, I was having my typical Saturday night at home and decided to order pizza for dinner. Since Papa Johns doesn’t deliver to my area and Dominoes is well..Dominoes, I went with Pizza Hut. Standard operating procedure, I ordered the pizza and afterward, I was “qualified” to sign up for some scheme or another. I didn’t take a screenshot so I can’t remember which. I was annoyed enough by it to tweet about it since I knew Pizza Hut was at least paying some attention on twitter:

Pizza Hut wasn’t going to explain itself in public and responded:

I sent them my e-mail address via DM and they responded:

Turns out that correct information was a carefully crafted email response claiming that “the Web Loyalty program provides value to customers at a time when they need it most.” To quote Amy Poehler, REALLY?

Here is the full text of Pizza Huts email response:

Hi Erica,

Thank you for your question.

The Web Loyalty program provides value to customers at a time when they need it most. Pizza Hut customers who are members of the program receive $10 cash back every month and that’s just one example of many companies and services that offer discounts and specials through the program. To enroll, our customers complete a three-step opt-in process upon checking out online. If at any time they wish to discontinue membership or if they feel that they inadvertently signed-up, customers can call 1-800-889-8776 for a full refund.

Sincerely,

Alexa Robinson
Pizza Hut

Now, forgive me, but I don’t fully believe this. Why would Pizza Hut claim this scam is good for consumers even after its been targeted for a Senate investigation and settled a class action lawsuit for potentially hundreds of millions?

Well apparently there are up to 10 million reasons why Pizza Hut keeps it around. Ah, the almighty dollar wins over consumers again. While Pizza Hut falsely claims that these scams are valuable for customers, in reality, they are most valuable for Pizza Hut, customers be damned.

Remember that next time you’re ordering pizza. Frankly, I’ll be ordering from Pizza California. They’re local and they don’t try to scam me for the sake of their bottom line. Their Gold Rush pizza is pretty damn good too.

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“Bought a receiver online? Fuck you, pay me.
Oh, you can’t watch the channels you ordered? Fuck you, pay me.
No high def service huh? Fuck you, pay me.”

I don’t know how rackets like the one DirecTV has established come into existence but I have a small clue. I don’t know how they stay in business but it probably has something to do with offering current customers $100 to pimp the service to their friends.

This is what happened in my case. When I moved, I had a choice between DirecTV and Comcast. Everybody around me couldn’t shut up about DirecTV and also, could I please use their account number when I signed up? Ha.

The decision maker for me was the local sports package. I signed up for DTV and that package to watch baseball games from Baltimore (How bout dem O’s hon?).

Baseball games? All blacked out. Nice. I called to turn that service off and went on about my business. Fast forward a month or so. I want my HP monitor to get TV and it only has an HDMI in. No problem, most cable boxes come with HDMI out right? Ha ha, not DirecTVs!

The only DTV boxes that have an HDMI out are their High Definition boxes. Oh I know, I’ll just run to Worst Buy (I should by the Worst Buy partnership) and buy an HD box. Thanks Worst Buy! Get home, start setting it up, DirecTV tells me, they own this box, I just paid worst buy a couple hundred buck to lease it. (Refer to video)

Oh but don’t think you can just use the box with Standard Def service. No ma’am, you’ll need to pay to get HD access for that box to work. (Refer to video)

Well shit. May as well get HD TV right? We’re in the high def age and all.

FFWD a week. DirecTV guys come out and realize due to the fucked up way some person from DTV initially installed the satellite my entire building shares, I can’t get HD channels. NICE. But wait, I still have to have HD service for this bloody box to work when all I want is the HDMI out. (Refer to video)

I decide I’m over it. I call DirecTV customer service and say I don’t want their service anymore. No problem ma’am, that’ll be $400 in early termination fees. (Refer to video)

I email their CEO and others. Turns out DirecTV is wise to the ways of the EECB and will just drop you to their “customer advocate group” (1-866-785-5537) who parrot the same BS regular customer service does. On the plus side, they were able to work some magic to make me not pay for HD service I’m not getting while still allowing my HD box to work. (Fuck you, but only pay me a little less)

Fine. I’m not paying $400 in ETFs (yet) so I give up.

I decide I want to get an DirecTivo to tinker with that DTV does NOT own. I buy one on Craigslist. I call to activate it. Sorry ma’am, the access cards are tied to each unit and customer and we can’t reassign them. Let me transfer you to our access card department where you can purchase another access card for $20. (Refer to video)

Is it any wonder DirecTV is the subject of a class action suit in California?

Final words, reader. If you are trying to find TV service, steer clear of DirecTV. If you must have satellite, go with Dish. If you don’t need satellite, go with one of the myriad other TV providers. If you absolutely have to go with DirecTV, may your personal deity have mercy on your soul.

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